


moths to the flame (don't let yourself burn)

by Woodswolf



Category: Kaze no Tani no Naushika | Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind
Genre: Canon - Manga, F/F, Fire As A Metaphor For Love, Ghosts, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Requited Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22313245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woodswolf/pseuds/Woodswolf
Summary: "I remember waking up, after the Daikaisho," Nausicaä whispers."What do you remember?" Kushana wonders."Teto, Chikuku, Selm, Kuratowa, Kui, the wormhandlers - all of them were there, but I thought of you."Fire does nothing but burn, and love does nothing but hurt. Sometimes that's the point.
Relationships: Kushana/Nausicaä
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	moths to the flame (don't let yourself burn)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [飛蛾撲火](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23997145) by [Sitakke (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Sitakke)



> Recently rewatched the anime. Thought "wow gay". Then read the manga for the first time. Thought "wow gay". And then this happened.

Nausicaä visits Tolas only once, many years after the end of the war. Kushana almost doesn't recognize her until she sees her eyes.

The flame there is dead, but the embers still stir, slowly flickering. Kushana remembers the sparks.

"I remember waking up, after the Daikaisho," Nausicaä whispers.

"What do you remember?" Kushana wonders.

"Teto, Chikuku, Selm, Kuratowa, Kui, the wormhandlers - all of them were there, but I thought of you."

Kushana can feel a fire within her chest. She can feel it flickering, slowly bringing itself back to life. She could cup her hands to her chest and pull it out, watch it grow brighter in her palms - first a candle, then two, then three, then a tiny pile of kindling that grows larger and larger as she allows herself to remember.

She wants to hold the fire in her hands.

"I love you," she says, and she allows herself to believe in it for the first time in years.

Nausicaä smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. Kushana remembers the slow and subtle change in that smile as Nausicaä takes her hand. "I loved you, too," she says. "And I'm sorry."

The flame crackles and flickers. Sparks fly into oblivion.

"I can't love you," Nausicaä whispers. "There isn't enough room in my heart."

Nausicaä meets her eyes again. Kushana almost has to step back, because it's not only Nausicaä's eyes looking at her anymore. She can't see them, but she can feel their gazes in her direction. A small pair of eyes on Nausicaä's shoulder, a face from the burn on her chest. A shadowed cloak standing behind her, a horseclaw at its side. A towering figure, gently glowing with light. Millions of sky-blue orbs arranged in sets of fourteen.

She knows that these are ghosts. And when she looks again, she knows what she sees in Nausicaä's eyes is not the embers of a dead flame. She sees, instead, that the fire is struggling, desperately trying to keep burning, even as it is choked by thick clouds of ghostly ash.

Kushana closes the distance between them in that moment and wraps her arms around Nausicaä, holding tight. A moment later, Nausicaä does the same.

"If you can't love me," Kushana whispers, to her and only to her, as she feels her eyes begin to burn, "then I can love for you."

Nausicaä's lips brush against Kushana's ear as she whispers back, so, _so_ quietly: _"Thank you."_

* * *

The sun is creeping towards the horizon when Nausicaä leaves.

Kushana stays inside, because she's already said goodbye on the threshold. She could, or should, go out to watch her guest depart, but she can't bring herself to.

She had been hoping that it would last forever, the two of them talking about nothing while Kushana tended her fire. She had been hoping Nausicaä would decide to stay for a day, or a week, or a month, or forever.

But she's leaving. And Kushana knows that if she walked out there with her, she would ask, beg, _plead_ with her: _Nausicaä, please take me with you._

Kushana can't leave her kingdom behind, and she knows this. She needs to create legislation, assign taxes, approve public works projects, designate spending. She could leave for a day, a week - a year, even - but she belongs in Tolmekia. She belongs with her people.

Some part of her belongs with Nausicaä, too. But she would sacrifice that part every time if it would keep her people safe.

Kushana watches from the window as Nausicaä launches her glider. She watches as her glider flies up into the sky, nearly reaching the clouds. She watches as it shrinks down to a point on the horizon. She watches her as she disappears into the sunset.

She never sees her again.

**Author's Note:**

> Still a bit Emotionally Unstable™ after the manga, honestly. Wow that shit hurted.


End file.
